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  #1  
Old 01-12-2004, 08:16 PM
fredaevans fredaevans is offline
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Best Atty joke ever?

This is why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a small Texas town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and, frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defence attorney almost died!

At this point, the judge brought the court room to silence, called both counsellors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."
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  #2  
Old 01-12-2004, 10:17 PM
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Thumbs up

Good One Fred! LOL
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  #3  
Old 01-12-2004, 11:25 PM
BobK BobK is offline
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Fred, that's a RIOT!

Excellent choice of jokes. Funnies attorney joke I've heard in a long time.

BobK
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Old 01-13-2004, 04:21 AM
fredaevans fredaevans is offline
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Lets leave the atty's alone and go for ..

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs, and banners. He turned a corner and saw a building with the sign, "Moshe Plotnik's Chinese laundry."

"Moshe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that fit in Chinatown?"

He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking Chinese laundry. He could see the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs sporting the logo, "Moshe Plotnik's Chinese laundry." There was also a fair selection of
Chinatown souvenirs, indicating that the name alone had brought many tourists into the shop. The tourist selected a coffee cup as a
conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for the purchase.

The tourist asked, "Can you tell me how this place got a name like
"Moshe Plotnik's Chinese laundry?"

The old man answered, "Oh, everybody asks me that. It's the name of the owner."

Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here now?"

"He is right here," replied the old man. "He is me." "Really? You're
Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Moshe "Plotnik?"

"It is simple," said the old man. "Many, many years ago when I came to this country, I was standing in line at the documentation center. The man in front of me was a Jewish gentleman from Poland. The lady at the counter looked at him and said, "What is your name?"

He said, "Moshe Plotnik." Then she looked at me and said, "What is your name?"

I said, "Sam Ting."

See, there really are jokes you can tell your kids.
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Old 01-13-2004, 04:27 AM
fredaevans fredaevans is offline
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Ok, just one more then off to bed you go!

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to
demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
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Old 01-13-2004, 09:20 AM
Smolt Smolt is offline
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A Little More Humor (Fred, I Already Sent This To You)

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.




However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed,"
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed,"
That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say,
"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed,"
That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say,
"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed,"
That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" .....
That's Junk Mail.
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  #7  
Old 01-13-2004, 11:10 AM
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Willie Gunn Willie Gunn is offline
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You missed the end

You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and gropes your breast and grabs your ass ..

That's Arnold Schwarzenegger!

YOU LIKE IT, BUT 20 YEARS LATER YOUR ATTORNEY DECIDES YOU WERE OFFENDED.

THAT'S AMERICA
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Old 01-13-2004, 11:29 AM
fredaevans fredaevans is offline
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Willie, by that, I can tell you..

read our newspapers on line.
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Old 01-13-2004, 02:40 PM
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Talking

Good one Willie
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  #10  
Old 01-13-2004, 03:46 PM
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that's great
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  #11  
Old 01-13-2004, 03:48 PM
Smolt Smolt is offline
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Willie,

I dropped that part of the analogies on purpose. I thought it was misplaced and detracted from the meat of the humor.

CK
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