From "Bob's Board" and too cute not to share!
The Irish War with Saddam...
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering
whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Paddy, down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo,
Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are
officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed
important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation,
"there is, myself, my cousin Sean, my next door
neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team
from the pub. That makes eight!"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have
one million men in my army waiting to move on my
"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr.
Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to
acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have
16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers.
Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get
back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr.
Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get
ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's
ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit,
and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his
throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000
bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military complex
is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile
sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army
to TWO MILLION!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to
ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o'
the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that
we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden
change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a
bunch of pints, and decided there's no fookin way we
can feed two million prisoners."
My favorite St. Patty's day joke -
Pat O'Flynn was walking down the street in Dublin late one night, and a guy leaps out of an alley, puts a gun to his head, and says, "What are you?" Pat thinks quickly - let's see - if I tell him I'm Catholic and he's Protestant, he'll shoot me. But if I tell him I'm Protestant and he's Catholic, he'll shoot me. I better play it safe.
So he replies, "I'm a Jew!" The guy starts laughing and giggling. So Pat says, "What's so funny?"
And the guy replies, "I must be the luckiest Arab terrorist in all of Ireland!"
I'm 25% Irish be careful with the Irish jokes, you know how sensitive I am.
I would tell you what the other 75% is, but I am ashamed of this nationality right now, one of our supposed ALLIES weaseling out on supporting the US.
Thats okay we will remember when it comes time to review their foreign aid and in country US military support. See how they like that.
Irish jokes eh..
Heres a couple.
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little @#$!, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..
" The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'"
I think I've started something ...
I shouldn't have. But keep'um coming! I put out a "Fred's Friday Funnies" (with a few mid-week additions called 'Not for Fred's Friday Funnies).
Great stuff! Cut and Paste goodies.
Should have added: if you want on the ... who shall we say? ... distribution list shoot me your e mail at Frederick_Evans@keybank.com.
Is this something that could get me in deep dodo?? Screw it; I fear no man ... my Lady Boss ... another question? Actually, she's as cool as they get (and I'm sure she's "aware" of the extra e mails to the world.)
Last edited by fredaevans; 03-05-2003 at 10:34 PM.
One of my proudest moments ...
..... at least for an Englishman that is ....
.... being declared an honorary member of the Dublin Flyfishers in September of 1993 - having landed a cracking 3lb loch Conn Brownie and helping the team to victory against the local favorites - Lough Conn and Cullin anglers! I still have the tie they gave me in Hinies pub that evening and wear it with great pride and reverence each St. Paddies day.
For those who may be interested, the fish hit a size 12 Bibio on the middle dropper 15 minutes before the official end of the competition.
When sight fishing, look over your shoulder from time to time, you never know who's behind you
As an Irishman, who still has family members wanted by the British for crimes against the crown, I'll just say this. The Irish possess many wonderful gifts. One of the greatest is laughter and the ability to laugh at themselves. Good Stuff.
Adrian. I always thought you were an Irishman deep down inside.
Re: I think I've started something ...
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