NFR A Mobile Steelhead Fort [Archive] - Fly Fishing Forum

: NFR A Mobile Steelhead Fort

12-24-2003, 02:10 PM
As a Christmas gift for everyone, I wrote up the following little story which should really be read to small children as it contains a lovely moral lesson for the learners. Enjoy.

As those of you who are more hip on the site know, I wrote a story about how to construct a steelhead
fort last winter or the year before.
Thing is, though, my best forts were
washed out to sea in the last flooding, and I need to revise my thinking.
Now, I have a new mobile model that works so well, I thought I'd share. Try to follow along as best you
can and don't become discouraged by having to read several passages over and over just to pull in the
concepts. Notice, don't skip, the details.
First, buy an old travel trailer of about 20 ft. or so. Saw the top off at armpit height. Don't discard the top.
You will want to mount it on hinges for usage that will be described later. Oh, what the hell, Iíll
describe it now. You see, you are going to back this trailer out on a nice bar somewhere where
there is always a good run of fish right out in front.. Deploy the trailer so that the only way you
can get in the door is by wading through the water. Park the rig deep so that you can open the
door, pull any hooked fish inside and then dive for the door once the fish is inside, latching with
the safety bolt behind it. Things should get a little easier for you as far as you and the fish go
once the door is slammed shut.. One tip here: be sure to hide around the back of the entry wall
so the fish doesnít see you as you pull him into the living room or kitchen or whatever. Fish
donít like to go near a living room with a man standing in it. On a slightly humorous note, Iíve
found that my fish always head for the toilet so be advised to keep the seat down. You donít
want any toilet releases.
Of course, you can catch steelhead easily most any place these days; itís the dern crowds that are
a pain in the wampamnago. So letís turn a few lines to how we are going to ward off the
crowds. Most important, never empty the holding tanks and saw the tops off of these as well as
the roof.. Unfortunately, this only keeps the crowds at bay that are downwind unless, of course,
you are blessed with a windless day. Since these days are unfortunately very few, you will need
armament of some type. I have tried to keep my armory to the barest minimum, believer as I am
in the ďtravel light theory.Ē But traveling light does not mean traveling without. So I have
carefully chosen the following weapons to keep people away from you.
For long range, say when you think you see someone in the distance but you are not sure, I like
the Remmington 7 mm magnum with the new, 170 gr. explosive tip. To avoid constant
reloading when the action is hot, I carry a minimum of three (3) rifles, all by Weatherby.
Mid-range work is best handled by automatic weapons and, hey, you just gotta love the AK-47. I
keep a crate or two of these on top of the dinette, fully loaded at all times. For close in, the now
sadly discontinued Uszi is best but shotgunners will argue this point furiously I am sure. And
they have their points. A good, sawed, 12 ga. pumper is tough to beat. Of course, the S&W
Lawman Mark 5 in 2Ē .357 is just a jewel when its belly to belly time.
But enough of the obvious. Letís get back to the roof. We close it at night, of course. And we
flop it back open in the daytime for casting. What can be more simple than that! Dark-shut.
Cast-flop. On days when the rain is really pelting down, I sometimes make a nice big cast,
mend, and then flop the roof shut and fish out the swing with the rod poking through the door
and the roof closed. Comfy!
On all sides of the trailer, I have painted what looks to be police car, state patrol, or game
warden vehicle. I have a guy on the ground with his fly rod wrapped around his neck and the
chains going on. Quite effective I think.
And yes, I know this invention will receive harsh criticism. Youíll say that it is not so much a
fort as it is a rolling pill box. Youíll say that just as soon as this ludicrous, insane and illegal
machine every takes to the road, a giggling bunch of pilots are going to be racing from Widby
Island to send a smart bomb up my left nostril or some other orifice. And I suppose you are
asking what kind of armor does the fort sport?. WE don have any or need any. We just jump
around quick OK? And remember that naysayers never did anybody any good Youíll envy me:
toasty warm with my kitchen stove on full bore, my toilet but feet away, my VCR rolling old
49er Super Bowl triumphs, my lack of net due to my brilliant closing door invention. And if the
fishing stinks, I can just move.
Speaking of moving, Iím working on securing the proper gun for the nose of the trailer,
something to ďCLEAR THE BAR! ď as I roll out to my new spot. Iíve been thinking in terms of
a used Coast Guard gun I can get my hands on down at Herbieís,Ē I Sell;You Shoot Store.Ē
Sheís a beauty. About a one pounder, I think. Could be sort of heavy, but then I want a lot of
river run boulders to fly everywhere. You know, just to gain a little respect now and again..

Oh, my dearest and only friends, if only life had such easy solutions as my mobile steelhead fort!
But I am thinking. Iím out there and Iím always thinking. Dedicating myself, as it were, to
simple answers to complex problems.